The Lurtz Conspiracy
by Raven Wings
Summary: When lights in the toy store go out for the day, our favourite action figures come out to play...This is the tale of what the LOTR action figures do in the toy store at night. Also, an explanation as to why you can only find Lurtz action figures lately.


*Sigh* You know those fics that just lurk in your mind until you know you'll go crazy if you don't write it? This is one of those. It is as far from a normal LOTR fic as you can get.

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any other of the things in this story that so obviously belong to rich people.

Oh, if you squint REALLY hard, you may be able to pick out a little A/L. Fun!

~~~~~

Action figures. Most think of them as mere chunks of plastic, cheap toys that will entertain a simple mind for a while, before they break and are discarded. That is untrue. Not one of the people who believe that have ever been in a toy store when the lights go out.

Scene- Mr Toy's Toyworld. Time- 5:59. One minute until lights out. In the fifth isle, past the Dragon Ball Z figurines, and opposite to the Star Wars action figures, one may find the Lord of the Rings toys, underneath a huge shiny banner. In neat rows on the bottom shelves are the Newborn Lurtzs and Orc Overseers. Just above those are the boxed sets of Merry and Pippin, Arwen and Frodo, and a random Ringwraith with his horse. On the next shelf are the Nazgul and Saruman, and finally, on the top shelf, in all their glory, are the members of the Fellowship (minus Merry and Pippin, who can only be found in the box sets. Unlucky sods.). The top three shelves have maybe one or two of each character/boxed set. The bottom one is packed full of snarling orcs.

Finally, overhead, the fluro lights flickered out, and all over the shop the collective sighs of toys could be heard. But we are only interested in what is happening to those lovable Lord of the Rings figurines, so we shall all now forget that other toys are present.

"These wires are _chafing!_" Frodo whined from his box. "Why do they feel the need to wrap little pieces of the stuff around our arms and legs?"

"Ha! I've got it far worse than you!" Legolas retorted. "I've been holding this stupid bow all day. The thing is driving me nuts!"

There was a grunting and tearing sound from Aragorn's box. A moment later he stepped out of the back, triumphantly holding his sword. Snickering at his struggling companions, he sat down at the front of the shelf to watch the show.

"King or not Aragorn, I am so kicking you off as soon as I get loose." Gimli threatened, straining at his ax. Aragorn just laughed and poked his tongue out at the dwarf in a very un-kingly gesture.

"Oh Aragoooooooooorn..." Legolas called slyly from his box. "Could you come here for a moment?"

"No! Don't do it!" Boromir yelled, struggling with his bindings. He was close to coming loose. "Don't look the elf in the eyes, highness." 

"What is it Legolas?" 

Legolas suddenly unleashed his most deadly weapon- his smile. His cute elfish face seemed to glow, and all who saw it immediately turned to piles of goo. "Could you please let me loose?"

"Er... I shall do your bidding..." Aragorn, of course, let him loose. There is no resisting the power of the smile. Unfortunately, Sam had also been in the line of fire when Legolas had flashed the grin of doom, and was in danger of hurting himself as he tried to rip through the box to also free the elf.

Time passed, and eventually all the action figure on the top shelf- with the exception of Gimli- had managed to free themselves.

"So...pretty..." Frodo murmured, eyes firmly fixed on the shiny golden ring that came with him. "Feeling the call..."

"So...pretty...feeling the call..." That was Aragorn and Sam, both fixated on Legolas and stalking him as he socialized. They were still under the influence.

There was a grunting and groaning from below, and slowly, the cowled head of a Ringwraith appeared. The Witch King Nazgul finally managed to drag himself over the lip of the shelf, and flopped to the ground, panting.

"These robes are a bitch to climb in." he grumbled. "Oh, Gandalf, Saruman wants to talk to you. He said something about 'showing that old fuddy duddy just who is supposed to wear the white robes.' Just head on down when you're ready."

Gandalf sniffed, and turned his back on the Nazgul. "I'm not speaking to him. He made fun of my pointy hat, so he can do magic on his own."

"He says he has tea..."

A pause. "Just tea? No cheese?"

"Just tea."

Another pause. "Alright then."

Gandalf headed down a shelf, and Witch King Ringwraith walked off with Boromir to begin their nightly bitch session about 'how very unfair it was that they died/are going to die.'"

Go down two shelves to the boxed sets.

"Uhhgggg..." muttered the very sickly looking Frodo intelligently.

"Quit moaning!" That-elven-chick-who-stole-Glorfindal's-schtick (tm)...er, I mean Arwen...complained, kicking Frodo in the ribs. Her horse, who had taken a strange liking to Frodo, kicked Arwen, and whinnied delightedly.

"Stupid horse..." Arwen mumbled discontentedly, flopping to the ground. "I want outta this stupid box!"

"Uhhhggg! Uggghhh!!" The sick Frodo yelled. The random Ringwraith was pressing himself against the plastic of the box (how he escaped his own is anyone's guess) and was inhaling heavily. While he snorted, fog formed on the clear packaging.

"Shire...Baggins..." The Black Rider hissed.

"Protect yourself" The dark haired elf called. "I'm not talking to you anymore!" 

"We'll protect you Frodo!" Merry and Pippin yelled.

"Uh...in just a moment." the adorable Pippin blushed, realizing that he was just as trapped as Frodo. "Stupid overpackaging. Still-" he pondered, "-that is quite a snazzy picture of me on the box."

"Mine's better." Merry said.

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Not."

"'Tis."

"Not."

"'Tis."

You get the idea. This continued for a while, while sick Frodo cringed behind Arwen's horse. "Ugggghhh!" he moaned in terror, as that-elven-chick-who-stole-Glorfindal's-schtick (tm)...damnit, I mean Arwen!...filed her nails. 

That-elven-ch- Arwen, suddenly looked up, frowning. "Do you guys hear something?"

All were quiet, and listened. Very faintly, a strange sound could be heard drifting towards them.

"Sounds like it's coming from the level below us." Merry commented.

Fatal last words. Suddenly the heads of countless Lurtzs poked up over the shelf. Waves of the creatures poured onto the higher levels, each battalion led by an orc overseer.

"Lurtz, Lurtz, Lurtz..." the army was chanting mindlessly as stiff-leggedly, they made their way over to the few action figures who came in sets.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Go up a level.

Gandalf paused, teacup raised halfway to his mouth. After the movie, all he'd ever been able to drink was tea. Just tea. He blamed Bilbo for his hatred of all but tea, after the demented hobbit had kept trying to force food upon him. "Saruman? Did you hear screaming?"

His grizzled companion paused. Listened. Tapped the magical hearing device cunningly hidden under his long hair and listened again. His face was twisted by an extremely happy smile. "Yes! I do hear screaming! Ah, how it brings me back..." 

Blink. Blink. Gandalf and all the nearby Nazgul inched slowly away. 

"Sadist." Gandalf muttered. 

Saruman glared, and waved his hand with the ridiculously long nails at Gandalf dismissivly. "Amateur."

Well, you can picture where that went. Ten minutes later saw both wizard staffs broken, cat-calling Nazgul (well, the eight that hadn't been bought already), and two old-men action figures lying on the shelf jerking pitifully and crying out for hip replacements.

Gandalf suddenly halted his twitching. "Do you hear that noise?"

Eyes lit up, Saruman dragged himself to a sitting position. "Is it more screaming?"

"No..."

"It sounds like someone saying 'burgers' over and over." One of the Nazgul suggested helpfully.

"No, it's 'curtsey'." Another one corrected. 

The Nazgul split into two teams, the Burger and Curtsey team, each debating what the mysterious chanting was. 

"Actually..." Saruman pondered. "I think it's 'lurtz'."

Eyes widened everywhere. Then- they attacked.

"Lurtz, Lurtz, Lurtz..." 

The two old men and the eight Black Riders were mowed down.

Go up another shelf to...our heroes!

"Quit following me, damnit!"

Aragorn and Sam stared at Legolas, uncomprehendingly.

Legolas sighed, burying his face in his hands. Then inspiration struck. "Sam, don't you have to stick with Frodo?"

"Mr...Frodo...?" The dazed, worshipping look drained from Sam's face. "Mr Frodo! I'm supposed to stay with him!"

"Hehehe. That's one." Legolas grinned evilly. "Now, what to do with Aragorn..." 

Aragorn just continued to gaze at him adoringly. The smile is a powerful weapon.

"Oh well. I guess I can get used to it."

Meanwhile, Sam had found Frodo. He and the Nazgul were sitting in front of Frodo's box, staring at the oversized ring that would have been more suited as a belt for the hobbit. It gleamed hypnotically in the faint red light given off by the smoke detectors. 

"Mr Frodo!" he called. "I'm back!"

"So...pretty..." Frodo mumbled. 

Sam stared at him oddly. "What are you- oh." The ring had caught his eye. "So...shiny..."

Not too far away, Boromir was sitting on the edge of the shelf, dangling his legs, and all around, looking like one unhappy camper. "It's not fair." he said gloomily. "I'm going to die, being made out to be an absolute bastard...and the one person who could have understood has been hypnotized by the power of the ring." He sighed again. Then frowned. "What the heck is that?"

"Lurtz...Lurtz..."

Boromir's face was warped with horror. "Oh no! Everyone! The Lurtz's are coming!"

"What's that?" Legolas called from where he was being doted upon by Aragorn. 

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

Legolas leapt to his feet, grabbing his bow. "Aragorn, prepare yourself!"

Well, there was three people willing to fight. Unfortunately, Merry and Pippin were two shelves down- and presumably, were already taken- Gimli was still stuck firmly in his box, Gandalf was down with Saruman, and Frodo, Sam and the head Ringwraith were all hypnotized.

The Lurtzs couldn't have chosen a better time to attack. 

"Lurtz, Lurtz, Lurtz!" They all cheered, as they attacked relentlessly. Their Orc Overseers jeered, and cheered them on and the Fellowship were soon overcome.

The rest of the night all that could be heard throughout the toy store were grunts and the continuous sound of "Lurtz, Lurtz, Lurtz..." Come morning, all signs of the other Lord of the Rings action figures were gone, and the shelves were packed with unsold Lurtzs and Orc Overseers.

The doors opened, and a crazy fangirl ran in. "Finally, I can buy a Legolas action figure!" She stopped in front of the shelf, hazel eyes widening in horror. "What the hell? Where's the Fellowship?!" In a fit of madness, she began throwing Lurtz toys to the floor, searching frantically for the toy she so desperately wanted. 

"Nooooooooo!" The sound echoed throughout the toystore. "Damn you Lurtz and Orc Overseers! DAMN YOU!" The crazed fangirl sank to her knees, clutching a Lurtz in each hand. "Need...LOTR figurines!" She glared at the Lurtz in one hand. "Ack! Must buy Lord of the Rings toy!" She immediately ran to the counter and purchased the toy. 

The Lurtz toys and Orc Overseer action figures all sniggered quietly. Their plan had been a success. Tonight, they would take over a new area of the store. Watch out, Digimon toys...

~~~~~

Please review. Reviews are wonderful things.


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